So retarded, I can’t tie my own shoelaces

Trainers with untieable shoelaces

I am so retarded, I cannot work out how to tie my own shoelaces. This is a bit of a problem, because my pro active mandatory euthanasia for the mentally retarded stance is now perilously close to home.

I purchased these 36 hours ago, and my concious brain can’t work out an elegant solution to the laces needing some sort of knot in them, so they don’t drag on the floor. I gave my subconscious a 10 hour crack at it last night too, woke up, it had nothing. Pathetic.

I can tie a normal shoelace knot, but it looks messy and iffy, that can’t be right. Joining the Royal Navy might help if they still make you tie knots, but I’d probably end up intercepting drug traffickers and thereby putting the street prices up. Not sure I can morally justify the increase in crime that causes, just to sort these £15 trainers out.

Surely I am not meant to cut the end off to form normal laces, because then why are the ends joined by default?

Maybe I am not supposed to pull the laces so tight to start with, thus avoiding them coming into contact with the 1970s chewing gum laced pavements of Birmingham?

My equally retarded little brother can’t work it out either, which implies I am perhaps not so stupid, or the problem is genetic.

And this is why I started hanging around bus stops and staring at “yoofs” feet to find the solution, your honour.

Previously used category: Foetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.