NatWest/ShatWest, rage inducingly useless

Corrected natwest logo

The ass clownery of ShatWest* business banking/fuckwittery knows no bounds, here’s a list that I am typing to feel better when I should be sleeping/wanking:

Reticent to let go of your money once they have their filthy paws on it

You’ll need a card reader to be able to transfer any money out, but they won’t send you one, you have to request it. And then request it again. And then again. About 3 weeks later you will get 3 turn up at your house, then maybe you can actually send money out of your business bank account.

Like half my exes, they avoid answering the phone

You call at 7pm, wait around for 10 mins then give up.
They claim to be “experiencing high volume of calls” – but since this message playback is always on by default, the logical conclusion is they are just understaffed and hope you go away. Except the only way to get a cheque book sent to you is to call them. Maybe change the message to “we have your money, now fuck off and stop bothering us” – more honest.

If you stop staring at your mobile, they bounce your cheques

This is the one that really made their idiocy plain:


Yeah, £12k of my cash that I had to trade part of my increasingly slim mental health for, like a Johnny Mnemonic slowly descending into spasticity.

I am working (don’t judge me, it is not something I am proud of) and these fools give me 2.5 hours to respond to a text, or they will decline a cheque!?!??
Yeah, if I am not hunched over my phone, like all the sponge brained chimps who designed this system, I have to write another cheque? Apparently so. Fuck a doodle do.

*Maybe* I am working somewhere I can’t just whip out my mobile.
*Maybe* I have to have it on silent.
*Maybe* I don’t really like mobiles, and don’t consider it necessary to tape one to my groin, waiting for the next message to stimulate me.
*Maybe* I only look at it when I go for a shit in the late afternoon.

*Not maybe* Natwest are a bunch of useless cunts, who you should avoid trying to do business with.


*Credit for the term “ShatWest” goes to Simon Peterkin who had the displeasure of working for them once upon a time. He used to count the money they were probably hoarding whilst their customers vainly tried to get it back from them.


The 1989 Gameboy has higher pixel density than the Switch

gameboy tetris

The original Nintendo Gameboy from 1989, had a pixel density per inch of 82.79. The Nintendo Switch, using dynamic resolution for Xenoblade Chronicles 2, has a pixel density per inch of 59.35. That’s 368 vertical pixels divided by a 6.2″ screen.

So a game from 1989 has higher pixel than one from 2017.
82 vs 59.
28 years of tech improvement and Nintendo cost cutting in perfect harmony.

Nintendo will fix this be doing a die shrink, and possibly GPU tech bump on the Switch, and forcing it to run in docked mode when portable, the fashionable mid cycle hardware bump. Then you might actually get 720p.

I learnt the art of misleading titles by reading the Daily Telegraph. Where you’d read the title of an article, and the actual article would be the opposite.

CEX has higher standards than me

cracked iphone4

A few months ago, engaging in my quest to own as little as possible, in order to have to clean as little as possible, in order to sit at home playing video games as much as possible, I went to CEX to sell my iphone4.

Their website said I could pocket £40 odd quid, for a device which runs a browser clunkily, is a decent podcast machine, a fucking terrible itunes crippled music player and only ever had about 2 decent games. All I had to do was visit a shop that plays shit music loudly and smells of piss, taking me closer to the chav lifestyle, rounding my personality, making me less of a monster.

So I visit in a weekday afternoon, like a true job shy CEX punter. They take the iphone4, say they need to run a few tests, fair enough. I wander around the local pound shops, imaging that I could empty half the establishment of swag for the mountain of coin that will shortly be tumbling my way.

20 mins later, back in the land of CSI box sets, they inform me they can’t take it, apparently it has a crack or a chip on the back, invisible to my elderly, cripple eyes. I suggest they didn’t really want it anyway, they reasonably state that is not true, as buying and selling is how they make cash.

So I look at my iphone4, it looks it pretty good nick to me, but CEX, which smells of piss, has higher standards than me. Christ, what must my house smell like? 🙁