The Tories would impose laws on lettuce buying

green lettuce

Stay with me, this tenuously goes somewhere.

The lettuce in the fridge was out of date. There were 2 bags of plant matter; one had a best before date of 30/5/2017, the other 6/6/2017. Not wanting to be the prick who leaves someone else with the old lettuce, I took the old bag. Opened it up… bleh, moist and decaying.

So this pisses me off, that’s £1 down the toilet. That is another period of time I have to sit in some office working, instead of sitting on a sunny balcony reading. So let’s stop this happening again I think and imagine the following rules:

  1. Only I buy the lettuce – my inventory management skill set will avoid such issues. But then I have to go to the shops when I can’t be arsed and everyone else has to ask me for lettuce? Nah.
  2. Only buy one bag of lettuce at a time. That will reduce the risk, but I guess sometimes we might need two bags? Maybe.
  3. Only buy lettuce with a few days leeway on the best before date. Impractical. You take what you can sometimes.

Then I told the Mrs, she expressed regret, and I suspect we will both be slightly less enthusiastic about buying lettuce, to reduce the risk of it happening again. Sure, it might happen again, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

If the Tories had this problem, say a few days before an election, they would vow to enshrine all of the above in law, in a vain attempt to stop lettuce-gate happening again. Relax, you just need to accept that bad things happen and don’t trample on anyone’s liberty to buy lettuce.

Bring back cigarette and PG Tips cards

parrot on cigarette card

Back in the 1970’s, when you could blame your ever present level of smouldering violence on the lead in petrol, there were collectable cards included when you bought a box of tea bags. In the halcyon days before the government essentially introduced prohibition via oppressive regulation, and all you smokers caved in because apparently you don’t have a problem with having to smoke outside the pub in the rain like a tramp, you’d also get them in your smooth smoking, richly flavoured cigarettes too.

You’d nag your mum to get the brand with the cards, because who gives a shit about the specific taste of a variety of dead leaves when there are colourful, delightfully drawn cards to collect?

Since then, printing technology has improved, costs have decreased and these cards have disappeared. So now I have to stare at a mobile phone at breakfast to avoid talking to whoever else is in the room, instead of reading the compact, life enriching, educational, inspiring prose on the backs of these cards.

Let’s bring them back, you could make them stickers too (stickers which teachers now use as a substitute to having to verbally reward kids: kid didn’t shit themselves today – sticker. Kid didn’t stab desk mate with a compass – sticker) and I could hang around at school gates with the believable pretence of “swapsies”.

Unilever and British American Tobacco have been emailed for comment.

General election 2017, voting guide

sickly looking unicorn

Hmmm.

Liberal Democrats:
If they do somehow become king maker again, based on last time they will throw their manifesto promises down the toilet, not even bothering to check for stains after they flush. Free university tuition, I am looking at you. Still, the coalition government from 2010 to 2015 didn’t do much, which is a plus point.

Labour:
If the theory of taxing the fuck out of everything and spending that money made the economy amazing, then the UK would have an amazing economy, which it does, if you ignore that 50 billion a year we spend on debt interest payments. So we are left with just the tax. No thanks.

Conservatives:
Er, I voted for you last time, now like a needy child you want my vote again. Why? so you can ask for my vote again when you next feel like it? Christ, leave me alone.

Greens:
Delusional goat herders.

UKIP:
You would have thought a political party that based its entire existence around leaving Europe might have done a bit of planning about leaving Europe and so could pass these finely tuned plans to the government so everything went smoothly. No chance. Idiots.

SaveTheNHS:
There is always some candidate who thinks the NHS is a magical unicorn shrivelling away through lack of oats. But if you have to wait 2 weeks after the pre-op for the actual operation, maybe it is just an ill looking horse with a traffic cone stuck on its head after all.

The BBC, too scared to report the news properly

I once met a jovial Santa-like man on a plane who was travelling to Denmark, to play some music. His CV included performing music for the old TV show “Bod”, which he still received occasional royalty cheques for. So that’s a heart warming story about the BBC out of the way, so I can now call them pussies without feeling guilty.

The BBC recently did a piss poor job of reporting something that happened, they won’t tell you what actually happened, just that it was bad words, and we can’t be having having bad words, because people will get upset and cry.

Besides, if you are going to call a bunch of people naughty names, it may as well be the micks, because in my experience, they aren’t generally a load of pussies (except maybe the ones who work for the BBC). Anyway, the BBC won’t tell you what naughty words were said, so you can’t decide how terrible the words were, and the section of the police force tasked with preventing hurt feelings are investigating.

Update 7/6/2017:

non bearded terrorist
A non bearded terrorist (right). 

Police anti-terror procedures were thrown into chaos yesterday when it was revealed that a terrorist didn’t have a beard.
A real police spokesmen said “We thought we didn’t have to monitor people without beards, but now we are a little unsure what to do. We have no plans to start monitoring people with blond hair at this time”.

A hurt feelings police spokesman said “All of a sudden, the fact you were called a nasty name on the internet doesn’t seem so important”.

Airbnb, patronising customers into hating them

Airbnb patronising dialog

I logged into Airbnb to be greeted by the above rage inducing guff:

“Before you continue
Whether it’s your first time using Airbnb or you’re one of our original travellers, please commit to respecting and including everyone in the Airbnb community. Learn more [link to more bullshit]
I agree to treat everyone in the Airbnb community – regardless of their race, religion, national origin, ethnicity, disability, sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, or age – with respect, and without judgement or bias.”

What a load of pretentious bullshit. Did you let some students union rep run the company for a day? and they had nothing of value to add but once got called a name at school, and want to stop the mental scarring of this trauma from occurring to any other snowflake?

Let’s rip this shit apart:
1) “Airbnb community” – you don’t have a community, we don’t all hang around the local post office swapping stories about gas prices or how the bin men trampled your petunias. You have a company because everyone is  sick of being ripped off by hotels, and home owners are trusting and decent enough to let strangers stay in their city centre pads and potentially fuck off your neighbours by playing their drumset until 6am. Admirable and brave.

2) “treat everyone […] regardless of their […] religion […] without judgement” – here is the real problem. You are asking me to overlook someones mentally retarded choice of religion.
I define a religion as such: 1) Does various good works (usually involving fixing church roofs) 2) Will attempt to take your money in various ways (tithes, collection plates, taxes, crusades etc.) 3) Brainwashes you to believe a load of unsubstantiated nonsense (magic flood punishments, that a man in the sky can hear your prayers and ignores them for various logic defying reasons, that this dog leg bone is from a saint, that your religious book isn’t better used as toilet paper etc).
So if someone of adult age hasn’t figured out that this exploitative nonsense, you are damned right I am going to judge them a little. But I will probably stop short of killing them unless they convert to atheism.

3) This is easy, let’s do another with less ellipsis:
“treat everyone regardless of their sex or age without bias” – so no offering to help carry their heavy luggage because they are female and elderly? Wow, that’s a pretty heartless attitude Airbnb, you should probably start a religion.

4) “gender identity” – oh just fuck right off!

5) “national origin” – I am honestly more likely to trust someone visiting me from Iceland, rather than some gypsy whose entire economic model seems based around having kids you can’t look after, then having them slumped at your feet without even a book to keep them occupied, and sitting on your arse begging for money in the Athens metro. How about this for an alternate plan: Grab some gloves and a bunch of bin bags, wander around the city cleaning up, wearing a sign that says “Unemployed, but I am tidying up litter to make myself useful. Spare change appreciated”, then maybe throwing your “what’s a contraceptive?” sprogs at a school, so they can aspire to something a little better than their useless parents.

In summary, I’ll do what I think is moral, rather than agreeing to what politically correct nonsense you lot spew out. Also, no Asians.