5 pretentious video games lazily reviewed

An english pub, circa 1984

Bastion – 7/10

Good game, pretentious story.

Papo and Yo – 6/10

Technically both impressive and a chugging, tearing mess (PS3).
Bordering on pretentious, but never oversteps the line.
Short and sweet.
From the credits it looks like it was funded by taxpayer money in part. Never a good idea, so a point off for that.

Dear Esther – 5/10

Pretentious. Caves were pretty. Music was nice.

Thomas was alone – 5/10

Pretentious wank.
Half the puzzles are decent.

Everyone’s Gone to the Rapture – 2/10

And they probably went so they didn’t have to play this game.
There has been been some debate as to whether this is actually a “game”, it is, it’s just a shitty one.

Aesthetically, apart from a choppy framerate when the pretentious lights engine kicks in, this game has clearly had huge amounts of effort expended on it. It looks incredible.
According to my spies inside the Bohemian labour camp where this was made, the devs conversation went like this:
“OK, so we spent millions creating this great looking game, but our playtesters just aren’t giving us enough credit that our huge egos crave”
“True. Let’s force them to truly appreciate it by making objectives unclear, giving them directions similar to those of a Chinese local unwilling to lose face, and making the players movement speed that of a pavement hugging old man when you are trying to catch a train. This will force them to wander around slowly taking in the financial beauty of our creation”
“Brilliant. Anything else we need to do?”
“Might as well make the credits unskippable whilst we are at it”

And thus what may have been an enjoyable experience is turned into a trudge through molasses and 1970’s quicksand.

 

 

 

You deserve less votes than other people

tufty club badge

One person, one vote… nah.

This idea goes against the nature of reality. People are not the same.
Some people are better than other people, some are more valuable to society, some don’t really deserve a vote.

Here’s my replacement system:
Everyone starts with 1 vote – let’s pretend we are all born equal.
You can vote when you turn 25 – when student unions stop with all their nonsense we can think about dropping it to 18.

Every £10k a year you pay in taxes gets you 1 more vote – since you are contributing more, you can get another vote. This is also great incentive for people to actually pay taxes instead of dodging them. You will also get a little badge saying how much tax you paid, a bit like the Tufty club. With that badge you won’t need to wear a Rolex to get laid.
Whilst we are at it, we may as well allow a voluntary contribution of £10k to buy a vote.

Prisoners get to vote – I don’t see why drug dealers or people foolish enough to have been caught not paying a TV license shouldn’t get to waste their vote like everyone else.

Every 10k a year you receive from the government you get 1 less vote – This means that senile near deads (i.e. pensioners) don’t get to mess things up to much for everyone else.

There we go, I’ve made the voting system more inclusive and fixed the countries finances whilst I’m at it. Touch me.

The Jury system is idiotically broken

12 angry men

If you are not theatrical enough to get out of jury duty, you will have to swear a solemn oath when you are allocated to a trial. The bible is the default option, so most people will pick that book of fairly tales and promises of ever lasting life. Some jurors originally from warmer climates will pick an equally retarded religious book.

This will immediately tell you who the fuckwits are who are swayed by shit evidence, group think, and magical thinking. These idiots should be kicked off the premises, leaving the atheists and those incapable of making picking a god, possibly because of the wide number available.

That way we might get jury verdicts where the evidence of one person who said it happened isn’t going to cut it, and reduce the number of miscarriages of justice that occur.

The Tories would impose laws on lettuce buying

green lettuce

Stay with me, this tenuously goes somewhere.

The lettuce in the fridge was out of date. There were 2 bags of plant matter; one had a best before date of 30/5/2017, the other 6/6/2017. Not wanting to be the prick who leaves someone else with the old lettuce, I took the old bag. Opened it up… bleh, moist and decaying.

So this pisses me off, that’s £1 down the toilet. That is another period of time I have to sit in some office working, instead of sitting on a sunny balcony reading. So let’s stop this happening again I think and imagine the following rules:

  1. Only I buy the lettuce – my inventory management skill set will avoid such issues. But then I have to go to the shops when I can’t be arsed and everyone else has to ask me for lettuce? Nah.
  2. Only buy one bag of lettuce at a time. That will reduce the risk, but I guess sometimes we might need two bags? Maybe.
  3. Only buy lettuce with a few days leeway on the best before date. Impractical. You take what you can sometimes.

Then I told the Mrs, she expressed regret, and I suspect we will both be slightly less enthusiastic about buying lettuce, to reduce the risk of it happening again. Sure, it might happen again, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

If the Tories had this problem, say a few days before an election, they would vow to enshrine all of the above in law, in a vain attempt to stop lettuce-gate happening again. Relax, you just need to accept that bad things happen and don’t trample on anyone’s liberty to buy lettuce.

Bring back cigarette and PG Tips cards

parrot on cigarette card

Back in the 1970’s, when you could blame your ever present level of smouldering violence on the lead in petrol, there were collectable cards included when you bought a box of tea bags. In the halcyon days before the government essentially introduced prohibition via oppressive regulation, and all you smokers caved in because apparently you don’t have a problem with having to smoke outside the pub in the rain like a tramp, you’d also get them in your smooth smoking, richly flavoured cigarettes too.

You’d nag your mum to get the brand with the cards, because who gives a shit about the specific taste of a variety of dead leaves when their are colourful, delightfully drawn cards to collect?

Since then, printing technology has improved, costs have decreased and these cards have disappeared. So now I have to stare at a mobile phone at breakfast to avoid talking to whoever else is in the room, instead of reading the compact, life enriching, educational, inspiring prose on the backs of these cards.

Let’s bring them back, you could make them stickers too (stickers which teachers now use as a substitute to having to verbally reward kids: kid didn’t shit themselves today – sticker. Kid didn’t stab desk mate with a compass – sticker) and I could hang around at school gates with the believable pretence of “swapsies”.

Unilever and British American Tobacco have been emailed for comment.