You deserve less votes than other people

tufty club badge

One person, one vote… nah.

This idea goes against the nature of reality. People are not the same.
Some people are better than other people, some are more valuable to society, some don’t really deserve a vote.

Here’s my replacement system:
Everyone starts with 1 vote – let’s pretend we are all born equal.
You can vote when you turn 25 – when student unions stop with all their nonsense we can think about dropping it to 18.

Every £10k a year you pay in taxes gets you 1 more vote – since you are contributing more, you can get another vote. This is also great incentive for people to actually pay taxes instead of dodging them. You will also get a little badge saying how much tax you paid, a bit like the Tufty club. With that badge you won’t need to wear a Rolex to get laid.
Whilst we are at it, we may as well allow a voluntary contribution of £10k to buy a vote.

Prisoners get to vote – I don’t see why drug dealers or people foolish enough to have been caught not paying a TV license shouldn’t get to waste their vote like everyone else.

Every 10k a year you receive from the government you get 1 less vote – This means that senile near deads (i.e. pensioners) don’t get to mess things up to much for everyone else.

There we go, I’ve made the voting system more inclusive and fixed the countries finances whilst I’m at it. Touch me.

The Jury system is idiotically broken

12 angry men

If you are not theatrical enough to get out of jury duty, you will have to swear a solemn oath when you are allocated to a trial. The bible is the default option, so most people will pick that book of fairly tales and promises of ever lasting life. Some jurors originally from warmer climates will pick an equally retarded religious book.

This will immediately tell you who the fuckwits are who are swayed by shit evidence, group think, and magical thinking. These idiots should be kicked off the premises, leaving the atheists and those incapable of making picking a god, possibly because of the wide number available.

That way we might get jury verdicts where the evidence of one person who said it happened isn’t going to cut it, and reduce the number of miscarriages of justice that occur.

The Tories would impose laws on lettuce buying

green lettuce

Stay with me, this tenuously goes somewhere.

The lettuce in the fridge was out of date. There were 2 bags of plant matter; one had a best before date of 30/5/2017, the other 6/6/2017. Not wanting to be the prick who leaves someone else with the old lettuce, I took the old bag. Opened it up… bleh, moist and decaying.

So this pisses me off, that’s £1 down the toilet. That another period of time I have to sit in some office working, instead of sitting on a sunny balcony reading. So let’s stop this happening again I think and imagine the following rules:

  1. Only I buy the lettuce – my inventory management skill set will avoid such issues. But then I have to go to the shops when I can’t be arsed and everyone else has to ask me for lettuce? Nah.
  2. Only buy one bag of lettuce at a time. That will reduce the risk, but I guess sometimes we might need two bags? Maybe.
  3. Only buy lettuce with a few days leeway on the best before date. Impractical. You take what you can sometimes.

Then I told the Mrs, she expressed regret, and I suspect we will both be slightly less enthusiastic about buying lettuce, to reduce the risk of it happening again. Sure, it might happen again, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

If the Tories had this problem, say a few days before an election, they would vow to enshrine all of the above in law, in a vain attempt to stop lettuce-gate happening again. Relax, you just need to accept that bad things happen and don’t trample on anyone’s liberty to buy lettuce.

Bring back cigarette and PG Tips cards

parrot on cigarette card

Back in the 1970’s, when you could blame your ever present level of smouldering violence on the lead in petrol, there were collectable cards included when you bought a box of tea bags. In the halcyon days before the government essentially introduced prohibition via oppressive regulation, and all you smokers caved in because apparently you don’t have a problem with having to smoke outside the pub in the rain like a tramp, you’d also get them in your smooth smoking, richly flavoured cigarettes too.

You’d nag your mum to get the brand with the cards, because who gives a shit about the specific taste of a variety of dead leaves when their are colourful, delightfully drawn cards to collect?

Since then, printing technology has improved, costs have decreased and these cards have disappeared. So now I have to stare at a mobile phone at breakfast to avoid talking to whoever else is in the room, instead of reading the compact, life enriching, educational, inspiring prose on the backs of these cards.

Let’s bring them back, you could make them stickers too (stickers which teachers now use as a substitute to having to verbally reward kids: kid didn’t shit themselves today – sticker. Kid didn’t stab desk mate with a compass – sticker) and I could hang around at school gates with the believable pretence of “swapsies”.

Unilever and British American Tobacco have been emailed for comment.

General election 2017, voting guide

sickly looking unicorn

Hmmm.

Liberal Democrats:
If they do somehow become king maker again, based on last time they will throw their manifesto promises down the toilet, not even bothering to check for stains after they flush. Free university tuition, I am looking at you. Still, the coalition government from 2010 to 2015 didn’t do much, which is a plus point.

Labour:
If the theory of taxing the fuck out of everything and spending that money made the economy amazing, then the UK would have an amazing economy, which it does, if you ignore that 50 billion a year we spend on debt interest payments. So we are left with just the tax. No thanks.

Conservatives:
Er, I voted for you last time, now like a needy child you want my vote again. Why? so you can ask for my vote again when you next feel like it? Christ, leave me alone.

Greens:
Delusional goat herders.

UKIP:
You would have thought a political party that based its entire existence around leaving Europe might have done a bit of planning about leaving Europe and so could pass these finely tuned plans to the government so everything went smoothly. No chance. Idiots.

SaveTheNHS:
There is always some candidate who thinks the NHS is a magical unicorn shrivelling away through lack of oats. But if you have to wait 2 weeks after the pre-op for the actual operation, maybe it is just an ill looking horse with a traffic cone stuck on its head after all.