Wear that old fur coat

Red fox sleeping in the snow

Back in the good old days you could bang the secretary as long as you gave her a fur coat, because as we all know the female heart grows fonder when exposed to the factory farming of mink/rabbit/puppies/whatever.

Then around the 1980’s onwards a gentlemen had to resort to jewellery to win affections, due to secretaries viewpoints being twisted by various animal rights groups/Signet Group propaganda.

Now however, the notion of wearing real fur is so far removed from acceptability, that a casual “It’s fake fur, obviously” is hardly needed to avoid a can of red paint being unloaded on you at the opera. So dig out that fox fur wrap from your wardrobe of shame that your auntie had to debase herself for, and wear it to those god awful free Chopin recitals that the CBSO puts on in order to remind itself that 95% of all music ever written is trash.

 

10 amazing women in technology

Ada Lovelace portrait

  1. Ada Lovelace
    With Charles Babbage, helped create the first computer program, on a computer that didn’t actually exist. Together the two of them squandered the chance to progress technology 50 years* forward, and in actual fact kind of did nothing at all except to create a great alternate history scenario point of divergence. Possibly distracted by EastEnders. What a waste.
    *number pulled out my ass.
  2. Hedy Lamarr
    Together with Bob Hope, helped create radar and foil various nazi spy rings (source: some film I watched on netflix a while back).
  3. Umm… I think that’s pretty much all of them

 

6 reasons Aldi is objectively the best supermarket

Aldi storefront

    Proof:

  1. Cheap, there is barely a need to look at the prices,these guys don’t seem to rip you off.
  2. No stupid “Buy 2 for £x” offers to; tax the brain, make you feel financially cheated when you only want one, or balk at the prospect of carrying four litres of coke home when you only want two.
  3. No shitty music playing on store speakers.
  4. Checkout staff are lightning fast and new checkouts magically open when you think one needs opening.
  5. No automated checkouts to make you feel frustrated, inadequate, like a human drone in a dystopian future.
  6. Wide isles and no annoying special promotion stand obstacles, so it isn’t necessary to be a zig zagging Wipeout master to move around.

Almost the opposite of Asda really.

Save your old trousers for when you get cancer

Woman in oversized trousers

These days there is a glorious abundance of food available to mankind due to the Haber process and mechanisation of agriculture. If you don’t understand why chocolate packets would ever be resealable you may have noticed your trousers shrinking over the years. Don’t throw them away!

You have roughly a 40% chance of developing an exciting, exotic cancer during your lifetime. I am personally hoping for one that makes me look like an active junkie, constantly running around for my next fix. This will enable me to wear all my old trousers my lard ass could previously no longer fit into, and pretend I had been vintage clothes shopping instead.