6 reasons Aldi is objectively the best supermarket

Aldi storefront

    Proof:

  1. Cheap, there is barely a need to look at the prices,these guys don’t seem to rip you off.
  2. No stupid “Buy 2 for £x” offers to; tax the brain, make you feel financially cheated when you only want one, or balk at the prospect of carrying four litres of coke home when you only want two.
  3. No shitty music playing on store speakers.
  4. Checkout staff are lightning fast and new checkouts magically open when you think one needs opening.
  5. No automated checkouts to make you feel frustrated, inadequate, like a human drone in a dystopian future.
  6. Wide isles and no annoying special promotion stand obstacles, so it isn’t necessary to be a zig zagging Wipeout master to move around.

Almost the opposite of Asda really.

Save your old trousers for when you get cancer

Woman in oversized trousers

These days there is a glorious abundance of food available to mankind due to the Haber process and mechanisation of agriculture. If you don’t understand why chocolate packets would ever be resealable you may have noticed your trousers shrinking over the years. Don’t throw them away!

You have roughly a 40% chance of developing an exciting, exotic cancer during your lifetime. I am personally hoping for one that makes me look like an active junkie, constantly running around for my next fix. This will enable me to wear all my old trousers my lard ass could previously no longer fit into, and pretend I had been vintage clothes shopping instead.