This unread blog may be a barely relenting moanathon, the sort that will make you not call a friend because they are too depressing, and you wouldn’t really be bothered if they killed themselves anyway, you heartless fuck. But actually I consider myself to have lucked out at life due to a few reasons:
1) I was born in the UK
So not much in the way of danger to life and limb, good healthcare and government institutions that mostly function. It could have been Indonesia, which is so shit that despite the overflowing number of people there they need to import Welshmen
to make decent martial arts films. Maybe it’s un-Islamic to touch cameras or something.
2) Free university tuition and grant
Yeah, we used to get PAID to go to university. You didn’t even need to be that good at exam papers, some careless enrolment officer accidentally stamped me in with A-levels of C, C, D. Christ. And that was the proper Manchester University too. These days you can kiss £30k goodbye for just swapping UCAS numbers.
3) Managed to buy a house when it was humanly possible without 25 years worth of debt
Back in the days of yore you could look at a slum Victorian terrace and pick one you liked for £45k. Then as long as you could stomach the office grind before you went insane, you could throw money at the mortgage and get the thing payed off. Of course, if you decided that things like garages, neighbours you can’t hear and inside toilets were more to your liking, you were still screwed with a £100k mortgage, but hey, at least you had the choice to buy one you could afford.
Recap on the standard measurement units used by shitty media outlets:
Weight – elephants.
Distance – length to the moon and back, sub unit – double decker buses.
Land area – the size of Wales.
Computer speed – Apollo 11 processing power.
We can also now add to this list, Currency – “a cup of coffee per <time unit>”, which I have frequently seen popping up. Even the Guardian seems to think I jizz away £3 a day on a caffeine fix, when in reality I am too cheap to host this website on anything better than a Raspberry Pi 2, which isn’t actually a problem because only I read it.
But here’s the thing that really pisses me off, you define whatever money you want from me in terms of something else to make it seem like less money, and more trivial. Instead of honestly stating the actual amount. It’s a shitty, tiresome method and you automatically go on my “obfuscators to chillingly murder when I finally crack” list.
This currency has succeeded “The price of a first class stamp”, which everyone blanked from their minds after Royal Mail made it too confusing by charging based on letter sizes.
On the rejoicing side, I feel smug because it is another way in which people waste their money that I don’t join in with, so I can avoid doing an IT job for a while longer. Anyway, now I am going to make myself a cup of coffee, and spend the money I saved on a farm in Africa.
Breaking News: Rolls-Royce (LSE:RR oohhh, a bit less I imagine), Britain’s leading multinational manufacturer, is to pay another bribe of £671m after long-running investigations into claims it paid bribes to land export contracts.
The settlement means the engineering giant will avoid being prosecuted by anti-corruption investigators in the UK, US and Brazil, individual executives should also be off the hook after the latest bribe.
Anti-corruption campaigners said the deal showed the British government was serious about taking bribes, despite years of rhetoric promising to make the UK a hostile environment for the corrupt.
In deals announced on Monday, Rolls-Royce said it would pay £497m to the UK Serious Fraud Office (SFO), subject to approval by the high court. It will also pay $169m (£140m) in penalties to the US Department of Justice and $25m to the Brazilian authorities, who can’t believe their luck.
Global warming is working out pretty well for me personally.
The higher temperatures are a blessing in the UK, an afternoon reading in a killer ant infested sunny meadow, or in a pub beer garden is made all the more pleasant. My gas bills are also lower, so I can talk to old people about their pet subject if I get desperate for conversation.
When I man up and get around to smoking again, unless I happen to be visiting Copenhagen airport which as you can see has a convenient indoor glass walled extermination chamber, I will appreciate the warmer weather when being pushed outside like a damned medieval leper.
What’s the worst that can happen? Crop yield gets screwed over by climate change and food prices go up? I don’t care, my cash reserves are so high I even buy a can of Pringles occasionally, and I don’t think I am alone in this mindset either. After all, people are going out of their way the buy “organic” labelled food which is basically a big “fuck you” to poor brown people. Don’t worry, it doesn’t count as immoral if you don’t realise it!
Since I haven’t selfishly shat out any kids, I always have the moral high ground on environmentalism, and in fact most of the worlds problems. Non breeders should get a badge of some sort, kind of the opposite to the old German one. Still, if we don’t keep crapping out kids that yearned for economic growth/catholic mass attendance quarterly target is going to be a bit harder to achieve, which apparently takes priority over the fact that half the time the air outside my house smells of something burning.
There are two things you can tell about someone within five minutes of meeting them. Firstly, their pallid visage will race their mouth to inform you that they are a vegan. Secondly, every insufferable who doesn’t have a TV licence will proudly proclaim it.
I had a TV licence until space year 1999, when I changed banks, and the BBC was the only group of nonces I was giving money to who couldn’t quite cope with the huge organisational demand of a direct debit instruction change.
Since then BBC has been; sending me letters, telephoning me asking me what my favourite TV show is – then gravitating towards questions designed to scare me about non payment, and once they even showed up at my front door. If they had only sorted that direct debit out, they could have spent all that time and effort on rigging more Blue Peter animal naming competitions instead.
By messing up this direct debit, the BBC has maybe cost themselves around £2761 so far (16 years of missed tax and inflation).
The maximum fine for non payment is £1000.
The average fine for non payment is £400.
The actual fine if you don’t let leather clad thugs roam your house is £0.
I am also a vegetarian, but I wear leather shoes, so I don’t talk about that much.