Children’s birthday parties, an unstoppable chain reaction

evil clown

Here is a great business model, based on middle class guilt, the willingness of mothers to waste money, and their ability to convince fathers to waste money:

  1. Find a parent who has a child at a decent school, you may use; median income, number of name brand trainers, or general colour of the kids as a guide for this.
  2. Host a free birthday party for that kid and 30 other screeching tykes they get to invite, supply the event location, treat bags including a flyer for your company which organised all this, a malevolent looking clown and the opportunity to buy 3 photos for £15, because parents lose all sense of perspective when a piece of paper with their brats particular visage is waved in front of them. Feel free to use shitty pigments that fade after a week, you won’t get called on it.
  3. Wait for further business to come rolling in as the invited kids parents realise they are obliged to join in this fuckwitted chain reaction of kids parties you have started.
  4. When you get sick and tired of this nonsense, announce you will similarly corrupt the concept of “names days” to double your prospective business, wait for the share price to jump, then bail and start a restaurant or principality where children are not allowed.

Universal Basic Income, a world full of pensioners

everyone likes tiddlywinks

Universal Basic Income is the idea that everyone is given a bit of free cash, say £600 a month, for doing nothing, like a plebeian version of the House of Lords expenses, or half the public sector.

Various pilot schemes are being run to try and work out whether this is a good idea or not, but we don’t need these pilot schemes, because we already know the outcome. Pensioners.

Pensioners get given a bit of cash each month, enough so that if they have behaved even vaguely competently in life thus far and acquired a house, they can use that money to buy extravagant £5 meals, including a pint, in canal pubs frequented by biker gangs with a heart of gold.
The incompetent pensioners won’t have enough money, because they shoved all their earnings into fruit machines over 40 years worth of Friday nights out, so they will spend their time bitching about how they can’t live on the money they get, whilst simultaneously living on the money they get.
A few pensioners will give talks on subjects which they may actually understand for the benefit of society, and a few will just spout nonsense about how your brain gets full when you get old, and that’s why you have trouble remembering where you put your glasses.

Greek civilisation, hit and miss

greek parking, at the bus stop

One one hand we have the above image, a caricature of the streets of Athens. A car parked at a bus stop. The car ironically being used to *teach* driving and presumably parking etiquette. Great lesson. The cherry on top being a motorcycle in the middle of the pavement. It’s like a double “fuck you” to pedestrians -“You ain’t catching the bus, and the pavements ours as well”. That car was also in the exact same spot 24 hours later. Still, it helps keep the near dead population down.

On the other hand we have the masses of stray cats, sunning themselves in the streets and gardens of Athens, looking anywhere between preened and like they just got out of bed (reasonable, when you sleep so much of the day). In such shitholes as half of India, these stray animals would be designated as holy, and lazily left to roam uninterrupted into the traffic. In Athens however, from talking to a lady who was attending to a group of 10 cats, I discovered they are fed food to the tune of €300 a month, which would be less, but the arrogant balls of fluff are choosy about which brands they eat. They have also been neutered, which is a far sighted and truly civilised act, and one which I wouldn’t have a problem subjecting a “random” 50% of the human population to.

So I think a little shit parking can be excused, in light of “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”, which if Mahatma Gandhi said it, must surely have been with the aim of shaming his own nation.

PSVR Pinball, finally a decent table view

Pinball in vr

Videogame representations of pinball have always had one big problem, how do you map a physical table, a portrait oriented oblong (or “rectangle” if you want to humiliate me like a teacher once did), to a 4:3 or 16:9 landscape TV screen?

You can squish it up into the middle, like a Broad Street tramp wearing little but beer insulation on a winters night, but you will resent that wasted screen real estate.
You scroll around a table over a couple of screens, but you won’t see the bottom half of the table when you are looking at the top, and good luck if you jam the multiball, which is unlikely as you don’t even understand what triggers it.
You could always pull some funky screen rotating shit if you are a member of the PC master race, but who can be bothered with that nonsense for just pinball and a few overrated Jap shoot ’em ups.
Add to this the existential angst of having decide what table angle option to set in the more modern 3D pinballs and you may as well just kill yourself right now, you will never pick the correct angle, you worthless piece of shit.

But salvation is at hand! All it takes is wearing a silly headset and installing in your living room a series of tripwires designed to hurl small children into the pointed corners of the glass coffee table. In PSVR, your field of vision will be comprehensively filled with the pinball table, with only natural head movements needed. And if you use headphones too, you won’t even hear their increasingly weak plaintive moanings either. Nice.

So hats off to Pinball FX2 VR, for fixing this issue that has plagued the living room for 37 years. This is one less reason to ever leave the house, and it also avoids the real life issue of crappy lighting casting a translucent haze over the table glass, which even those idiots at The British Museum and Birmingham Art Gallery don’t seem to realise is a problem. I might write another blog entry about that, and send them the link, although that didn’t elicit much response from Sony when I told them about my Demarvel idea.

PSVR will kill me

 

resident evil kitchen demo

Playstation Virtual Reality (PSVR) will kill me. I can see it happening in a couple of ways:

Heart attack induced by some skinny,scraggly haired, long dirty finger nailed, half naked woman appearing in front of me. Resident Evil 7 and Until Dawn: Rush of Blood being the likely candidates. Playing at 2:30 am and screaming at the top of my lungs doesn’t endear myself to my lovely quiet Chinese neighbours either. Although one is from Taiwan and the other from the mainland, which should probably be a sitcom.

Desiccated corpse found slumped on sofa after Fallout 4 is made a VR game. Your typical “police break into house after reports of decomposition smell” situation. It is only going to take one killer app and taking the headset off to have a drink is going to seem like something that can easily wait a while. Much like going for a piss does at the moment when playing Borderlands 2.

I hope Sony will fully exploit my death for marketing purposes, but suspect they will pussy out instead.