6 reasons Aldi is objectively the best supermarket

Aldi storefront


  1. Cheap, there is barely a need to look at the prices,these guys don’t seem to rip you off.
  2. No stupid “Buy 2 for £x” offers to; tax the brain, make you feel financially cheated when you only want one, or balk at the prospect of carrying four litres of coke home when you only want two.
  3. No shitty music playing on store speakers.
  4. Checkout staff are lightning fast and new checkouts magically open when you think one needs opening.
  5. No automated checkouts to make you feel frustrated, inadequate, like a human drone in a dystopian future.
  6. Wide isles and no annoying special promotion stand obstacles, so it isn’t necessary to be a zig zagging Wipeout master to move around.

Almost the opposite of Asda really.

Save your old trousers for when you get cancer

Woman in oversized trousers

These days there is a glorious abundance of food available to mankind due to the Haber process and mechanisation of agriculture. If you don’t understand why chocolate packets would ever be resealable you may have noticed your trousers shrinking over the years. Don’t throw them away!

You have roughly a 40% chance of developing an exciting, exotic cancer during your lifetime. I am personally hoping for one that makes me look like an active junkie, constantly running around for my next fix. This will enable me to wear all my old trousers my lard ass could previously no longer fit into, and pretend I had been vintage clothes shopping instead.

Religions oppose gay marriage so they can pull gays easier

Baby baptism

Religions have a history of trying to keep the agonies of marriage between a man and a woman through legislation. This isn’t just a selfless act of kindness you may expect from organisations that regularly convince their poor, stupid members that tithing to them is a great idea.

Most married people will denote their status with a ring, necklace or the dead eyes of a crushed soul, yearning for freedom.

So when the religious priests go out on the pull, to gay nightclubs, pub car parks, airline cabin crew training courses etc. they can look for the rings and steer clear of the breeders who are not worth talking to.

If the gays (or to use the correct term, “the gayers”) were allowed to marry, those religious types would have a harder time to identify cuddle buddies, and probably just head for the first person under 12 they saw instead.

Traffic lights need a cancel button

Post apocalyptic looking traffic light crossing panel

This post apocalyptic looking traffic light panel (don’t worry, it’s just what Halesowen looks like) needs a cancel button.

Example scenario:
Stand by traffic lights, grimacing at the fumes and noise.
Press the magic button, multiple times, because you don’t trust the feedback given.
See a gap in the traffic, peg it across the road, inwardly congratulate yourself on saving 30 seconds of your life you can spend surfing reddit later.
Shamefully glancing behind you, watch as the lights turn red and all the cars obediently stop, even though no one now actually wants to cross.
Wish there was a cancel button you could have pressed when you got to the other side so that the 5 cars now waiting could have spent 30 seconds extra surfing reddit when they got home.

Now admittedly, there are probably a few more scenarios here to consider, but since the morning rush hour lasts approximately until the afternoon rush hour, every piece of optimisation is useful.