5 pretentious video games lazily reviewed

An english pub, circa 1984

Bastion – 7/10

Good game, pretentious story.

Papo and Yo – 6/10

Technically both impressive and a chugging, tearing mess (PS3).
Bordering on pretentious, but never oversteps the line.
Short and sweet.
From the credits it looks like it was funded by taxpayer money in part. Never a good idea, so a point off for that.

Dear Esther – 5/10

Pretentious. Caves were pretty. Music was nice.

Thomas was alone – 5/10

Pretentious wank.
Half the puzzles are decent.

Everyone’s Gone to the Rapture – 2/10

And they probably went so they didn’t have to play this game.
There has been been some debate as to whether this is actually a “game”, it is, it’s just a shitty one.

Aesthetically, apart from a choppy framerate when the pretentious lights engine kicks in, this game has clearly had huge amounts of effort expended on it. It looks incredible.
According to my spies inside the Bohemian labour camp where this was made, the devs conversation went like this:
“OK, so we spent millions creating this great looking game, but our playtesters just aren’t giving us enough credit that our huge egos crave”
“True. Let’s force them to truly appreciate it by making objectives unclear, giving them directions similar to those of a Chinese local unwilling to lose face, and making the players movement speed that of a pavement hugging old man when you are trying to catch a train. This will force them to wander around slowly taking in the financial beauty of our creation”
“Brilliant. Anything else we need to do?”
“Might as well make the credits unskippable whilst we are at it”

And thus what may have been an enjoyable experience is turned into a trudge through molasses and 1970’s quicksand.

 

 

 

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