Children’s birthday parties, an unstoppable chain reaction

evil clown

Here is a great business model, based on middle class guilt, the willingness of mothers to waste money, and their ability to convince fathers to waste money:

  1. Find a parent who has a child at a decent school, you may use; median income, number of name brand trainers, or general colour of the kids as a guide for this.
  2. Host a free birthday party for that kid and 30 other screeching tykes they get to invite, supply the event location, treat bags including a flyer for your company which organised all this, a malevolent looking clown and the opportunity to buy 3 photos for £15, because parents lose all sense of perspective when a piece of paper with their brats particular visage is waved in front of them. Feel free to use shitty pigments that fade after a week, you won’t get called on it.
  3. Wait for further business to come rolling in as the invited kids parents realise they are obliged to join in this fuckwitted chain reaction of kids parties you have started.
  4. When you get sick and tired of this nonsense, announce you will similarly corrupt the concept of “names days” to double your prospective business, wait for the share price to jump, then bail and start a restaurant or principality where children are not allowed.

General election 2017, voting guide

sickly looking unicorn

Hmmm.

Liberal Democrats:
If they do somehow become king maker again, based on last time they will throw their manifesto promises down the toilet, not even bothering to check for stains after they flush. Free university tuition, I am looking at you. Still, the coalition government from 2010 to 2015 didn’t do much, which is a plus point.

Labour:
If the theory of taxing the fuck out of everything and spending that money made the economy amazing, then the UK would have an amazing economy, which it does, if you ignore that 50 billion a year we spend on debt interest payments. So we are left with just the tax. No thanks.

Conservatives:
Er, I voted for you last time, now like a needy child you want my vote again. Why? so you can ask for my vote again when you next feel like it? Christ, leave me alone.

Greens:
Delusional goat herders.

UKIP:
You would have thought a political party that based its entire existence around leaving Europe might have done a bit of planning about leaving Europe and so could pass these finely tuned plans to the government so everything went smoothly. No chance. Idiots.

SaveTheNHS:
There is always some candidate who thinks the NHS is a magical unicorn shrivelling away through lack of oats. But if you have to wait 2 weeks after the pre-op for the actual operation, maybe it is just an ill looking horse with a traffic cone stuck on its head after all.

The BBC, too scared to report the news properly

I once met a jovial Santa-like man on a plane who was travelling to Denmark, to play some music. His CV included performing music for the old TV show “Bod”, which he still received occasional royalty cheques for. So that’s a heart warming story about the BBC out of the way, so I can now call them pussies without feeling guilty.

The BBC recently did a piss poor job of reporting something that happened, they won’t tell you what actually happened, just that it was bad words, and we can’t be having having bad words, because people will get upset and cry.

Besides, if you are going to call a bunch of people naughty names, it may as well be the micks, because in my experience, they aren’t generally a load of pussies (except maybe the ones who work for the BBC). Anyway, the BBC won’t tell you what naughty words were said, so you can’t decide how terrible the words were, and the section of the police force tasked with preventing hurt feelings are investigating.

Update 7/6/2017:

non bearded terrorist
A non bearded terrorist (right). 

Police anti-terror procedures were thrown into chaos yesterday when it was revealed that a terrorist didn’t have a beard.
A real police spokesmen said “We thought we didn’t have to monitor people without beards, but now we are a little unsure what to do. We have no plans to start monitoring people with blond hair at this time”.

A hurt feelings police spokesman said “All of a sudden, the fact you were called a nasty name on the internet doesn’t seem so important”.

Universal Basic Income, a world full of pensioners

everyone likes tiddlywinks

Universal Basic Income is the idea that everyone is given a bit of free cash, say £600 a month, for doing nothing, like a plebeian version of the House of Lords expenses, or half the public sector.

Various pilot schemes are being run to try and work out whether this is a good idea or not, but we don’t need these pilot schemes, because we already know the outcome. Pensioners.

Pensioners get given a bit of cash each month, enough so that if they have behaved even vaguely competently in life thus far and acquired a house, they can use that money to buy extravagant £5 meals, including a pint, in canal pubs frequented by biker gangs with a heart of gold.
The incompetent pensioners won’t have enough money, because they shoved all their earnings into fruit machines over 40 years worth of Friday nights out, so they will spend their time bitching about how they can’t live on the money they get, whilst simultaneously living on the money they get.
A few pensioners will give talks on subjects which they may actually understand for the benefit of society, and a few will just spout nonsense about how your brain gets full when you get old, and that’s why you have trouble remembering where you put your glasses.

Airbnb, patronising customers into hating them

Airbnb patronising dialog

I logged into Airbnb to be greeted by the above rage inducing guff:

“Before you continue
Whether it’s your first time using Airbnb or you’re one of our original travellers, please commit to respecting and including everyone in the Airbnb community. Learn more [link to more bullshit]
I agree to treat everyone in the Airbnb community – regardless of their race, religion, national origin, ethnicity, disability, sex, gender identity, sexual orientation, or age – with respect, and without judgement or bias.”

What a load of pretentious bullshit. Did you let some students union rep run the company for a day? and they had nothing of value to add but once got called a name at school, and want to stop the mental scarring of this trauma from occurring to any other snowflake?

Let’s rip this shit apart:
1) “Airbnb community” – you don’t have a community, we don’t all hang around the local post office swapping stories about gas prices or how the bin men trampled your petunias. You have a company because everyone is  sick of being ripped off by hotels, and home owners are trusting and decent enough to let strangers stay in their city centre pads and potentially fuck off your neighbours by playing their drumset until 6am. Admirable and brave.

2) “treat everyone […] regardless of their […] religion […] without judgement” – here is the real problem. You are asking me to overlook someones mentally retarded choice of religion.
I define a religion as such: 1) Does various good works (usually involving fixing church roofs) 2) Will attempt to take your money in various ways (tithes, collection plates, taxes, crusades etc.) 3) Brainwashes you to believe a load of unsubstantiated nonsense (magic flood punishments, that a man in the sky can hear your prayers and ignores them for various logic defying reasons, that this dog leg bone is from a saint, that your religious book isn’t better used as toilet paper etc).
So if someone of adult age hasn’t figured out that this exploitative nonsense, you are damned right I am going to judge them a little. But I will probably stop short of killing them unless they convert to atheism.

3) This is easy, let’s do another with less ellipsis:
“treat everyone regardless of their sex or age without bias” – so no offering to help carry their heavy luggage because they are female and elderly? Wow, that’s a pretty heartless attitude Airbnb, you should probably start a religion.

4) “gender identity” – oh just fuck right off!

5) “national origin” – I am honestly more likely to trust someone visiting me from Iceland, rather than some gypsy whose entire economic model seems based around having kids you can’t look after, then having them slumped at your feet without even a book to keep them occupied, and sitting on your arse begging for money in the Athens metro. How about this for an alternate plan: Grab some gloves and a bunch of bin bags, wander around the city cleaning up, wearing a sign that says “Unemployed, but I am tidying up litter to make myself useful. Spare change appreciated”, then maybe throwing your “what’s a contraceptive?” sprogs at a school, so they can aspire to something a little better than their useless parents.

In summary, I’ll do what I think is moral, rather than agreeing to what politically correct nonsense you lot spew out. Also, no Asians.