List of things which aren’t real

Victorian ghost

Here are a list of things, which aren’t real. I hope you find this list useful in your life’s decisions:
Ghosts – although this one is good for getting kids to go to otherwise dull national trust houses.
Psychic ability/spoon bending magic – and anything else that knobling Uri Geller professes.
Graphology – handwriting analysis. Despite the hard-on the BBC has for it.
The Bermuda Triangle – child of the 1970’s.
Bigfoot – there are other ways to explain that matted piece of trash panda shit you found in the woods.
Gods – this one can save you some serious cash/time/childhood abuse.
Dowsing – My and a mate once spent an afternoon doing this, we were convinced it was real. I was 18. The shame.

I still have a soft spot for phrenology, though this is born from having seen the inbreeding and evolutionary pressures of residents of Gornal Wood, leading to an increased forehead skull thickness, used in the violent, drunken, headbutting rituals of the local public houses.

Sources: If you gave a shit about decent sources, you wouldn’t believe half the crap you do, so let’s not waste anyone’s time here, ok?

Overpopulation, cause of all the problems

[No picture for this one, just look out the window]

It’s not a difficult conclusion to make, if you have ever lived in a city, or on planet Earth in general. Most of the worlds problems are caused by too many people, let’s list a few easy ones:
General pollution, pressure on clean water supplies.
General environmental destruction, deforestation caused by increased demand for food, other resources.
Birmingham city centre being a busy, noisy, mental illness inducing, hellhole.
Traffic jams for half the day.
Climate change – too late, but less people = less carbon in atmosphere.
House prices – only so much land to use.

I once told this to a real life lady in a pub, her immediate response was that population control would mean no babies, and the extinction of the human race. What a dozy cow. Presumably she never went on a diet either, because then she would starve to death.

The politicians are too pathetically chicken to address this issue, but when you get paid outrageous wages and get to have a chauffeur, the poverty and traffic jam aspects don’t bother you I guess. Pussies. Governments in Russia and Japan are actually encouraging more mewling balls of snot, which has to be the laziest way to get economic growth.

Maybe rising living standards will sort this out, but if you ever bet your civilisation on a TED talk, you are on a risky path.

Oh well fuck it, I haven’t selfishly crapped out any kids, so you lot can sort your own mess out.

Greek civilisation, hit and miss

greek parking, at the bus stop

One one hand we have the above image, a caricature of the streets of Athens. A car parked at a bus stop. The car ironically being used to *teach* driving and presumably parking etiquette. Great lesson. The cherry on top being a motorcycle in the middle of the pavement. It’s like a double “fuck you” to pedestrians -“You ain’t catching the bus, and the pavements ours as well”. That car was also in the exact same spot 24 hours later. Still, it helps keep the near dead population down.

On the other hand we have the masses of stray cats, sunning themselves in the streets and gardens of Athens, looking anywhere between preened and like they just got out of bed (reasonable, when you sleep so much of the day). In such shitholes as half of India, these stray animals would be designated as holy, and lazily left to roam uninterrupted into the traffic. In Athens however, from talking to a lady who was attending to a group of 10 cats, I discovered they are fed food to the tune of €300 a month, which would be less, but the arrogant balls of fluff are choosy about which brands they eat. They have also been neutered, which is a far sighted and truly civilised act, and one which I wouldn’t have a problem subjecting a “random” 50% of the human population to.

So I think a little shit parking can be excused, in light of “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.”, which if Mahatma Gandhi said it, must surely have been with the aim of shaming his own nation.

PSVR Pinball, finally a decent table view

Pinball in vr

Videogame representations of pinball have always had one big problem, how do you map a physical table, a portrait oriented oblong (or “rectangle” if you want to humiliate me like a teacher once did), to a 4:3 or 16:9 landscape TV screen?

You can squish it up into the middle, like a Broad Street tramp wearing little but beer insulation on a winters night, but you will resent that wasted screen real estate.
You scroll around a table over a couple of screens, but you won’t see the bottom half of the table when you are looking at the top, and good luck if you jam the multiball, which is unlikely as you don’t even understand what triggers it.
You could always pull some funky screen rotating shit if you are a member of the PC master race, but who can be bothered with that nonsense for just pinball and a few overrated Jap shoot ’em ups.
Add to this the existential angst of having decide what table angle option to set in the more modern 3D pinballs and you may as well just kill yourself right now, you will never pick the correct angle, you worthless piece of shit.

But salvation is at hand! All it takes is wearing a silly headset and installing in your living room a series of tripwires designed to hurl small children into the pointed corners of the glass coffee table. In PSVR, your field of vision will be comprehensively filled with the pinball table, with only natural head movements needed. And if you use headphones too, you won’t even hear their increasingly weak plaintive moanings either. Nice.

So hats off to Pinball FX2 VR, for fixing this issue that has plagued the living room for 37 years. This is one less reason to ever leave the house, and it also avoids the real life issue of crappy lighting casting a translucent haze over the table glass, which even those idiots at The British Museum and Birmingham Art Gallery don’t seem to realise is a problem. I might write another blog entry about that, and send them the link, although that didn’t elicit much response from Sony when I told them about my Demarvel idea.

Movie producers, hire multiple composers

Rogue one promo shot

Rogue One is a muddled, patched together mess, as if half the dailies were lost in a film vault fire before editing. Still, it does have a pretty kick ass third act, it would be even better if the score was in any way memorable.

90% of all music is shit. You only remember 1960’s music being any good because time has done us the service of filtering away all the tuneless dirge. That’s all good music is, a memorable tune. With a film, you get a few hours to push a catchy theme to the audience, if they don’t know it by the third act, you have done fucked up. Hum some music from Star Wars? Easy. Lord of the Rings? Easy. Zulu? Easy. Avatar? No chance.

You overlay that catchy music on the pivotal scenes – BAM! Instant extra emotional involvement from the audience, which is the entire point of all films. So why, when you have a billion dollars on the line, would you risk having an unhummable film score? Deliver your edit to three renowned composers, pay them £100k each, pick the best one and hand that composer an extra £400k. Hell, pick 10 composers with no down payment, you might actually find some new talent. You just made your film significantly better, for little effort. Stick the other tracks on the bluray, so some pretentious twat can claim he likes the tuneless shit version better in 20 years time.

I recall playing Halo 4 and humming the Halo theme, and I had to hum it, because that abortion of a game didn’t deliver it. An even greater sin when you do this to a Star Wars film. I suspect it wouldn’t be particularly hard to score that film from the vast tracts of Star Wars music already available, slap it on youtube, and be hailed a genius.