Acrylic on canvas.
This painting only looks so lovely because the original photo was so great. Mmmm those warm purples in the bottom right! I considered pushing the dogs eyes a little, but decided to stay true to the photo instead.
The recent local government cuts in the UK have meant that we are wasting slightly less money recently on libraries renting out culturally enriching DVDs like 6 copies of Suicide Squad. With the tax money I have saved, I have started my own library, featuring actual books, to try and impress intellectuals who visit and as such I decided to buy a bookcase online:
Check Ikea, see a perfect bookcase for £35. Get to checkout, see the postage is £35, it must get a personal escort from Sweden.
Check Argos, find one for £40, order same day delivery, 3 days later after I prod them, with typical Argos buffoonery they cancel the order. Utter fuckwits.
Delving deeper down into the dimly lit google search results than I am comfortable with, JD Williams is selling the same bookcase for £40. Order from them. Assemble bookcase like an accomplished caveman. Decide to document how JD Williams acts like a dodgy market trader, staying within the law, but trying to trick you every step of the way:
Firstly, misuse of user interface elements to trick users.
On their web registration screen above, unticking “Apply for a Personal Account” does nothing. They have decided that the universally recognised standard behaviour of a tickbox is a little bit too honest for them. You need to tick “I don’t want…” at the bottom to untick the one above, so these controls look like tickboxes, but behave like radio buttons! Still, I am sure you trick a few people into signing up for some bullshit because of that. Gratz.
Secondly, misleading marketing defaults designed to spam you.
At first glance, all is good, this is a normal “tick the boxes to receive spam” emails form, and they have properly defaulted the tickboxes to unticked. Very civil of them, maybe that earlier tickbox behaviour was an honest screw up in design, and not the machinations of an evil corporate entity. Then you notice when your eyes wander up and away from the relevant lines and read “If you prefer not to be contacted please tick the relevant box below”. Yeah, you have to tick the three boxes to NOT receive emails!
So just to be clear here, we need to tick the box labelled “You may be contacted by e-mail for marketing purposes by all our other trading titles.” to NOT BE “contacted by e-mail for marketing purposes by all our other trading titles.”. Brilliant. Let me try this:
Punch in the face preferences
By submitting your information you will be indicating your consent to be punched in the face, or some of our drunken mates. If you prefer not to be punched in the face please tick the relevant box below.
☐ JD Williams group punching – You will be punched in the face by everyone else we pretend to be.
Thirdly, they will send you crap anyway.
If you managed to negotiate the spam email trick, that won’t stop JD Williams. they just assume that you have such an aversion to emails you want to be sent physical letters instead, like the above. Which is exactly the opposite inference that any decent, logical organisation would make.
Why does this matter? It doesn’t really. Who am I to judge who Lorraine Kelly hangs around with?
Recap on the standard measurement units used by shitty media outlets:
Weight – elephants.
Distance – length to the moon and back, sub unit – double decker buses.
Land area – the size of Wales.
Computer speed – Apollo 11 processing power.
We can also now add to this list, Currency – “a cup of coffee per <time unit>”, which I have frequently seen popping up. Even the Guardian seems to think I jizz away £3 a day on a caffeine fix, when in reality I am too cheap to host this website on anything better than a Raspberry Pi 2, which isn’t actually a problem because only I read it.
But here’s the thing that really pisses me off, you define whatever money you want from me in terms of something else to make it seem like less money, and more trivial. Instead of honestly stating the actual amount. It’s a shitty, tiresome method and you automatically go on my “obfuscators to chillingly murder when I finally crack” list.
This currency has succeeded “The price of a first class stamp”, which everyone blanked from their minds after Royal Mail made it too confusing by charging based on letter sizes.
On the rejoicing side, I feel smug because it is another way in which people waste their money that I don’t join in with, so I can avoid doing an IT job for a while longer. Anyway, now I am going to make myself a cup of coffee, and spend the money I saved on a farm in Africa.